Here am I, send me

As I contemplate the Christmas season this year, I feel like I'm giving but not from my heart.  I'm not giving from the heart; and I'm not giving of myself.  I'm not celebrating Christ by following His example--giving.  But how can I best give?

From the beginning Christ showed us the way to give:

During the Council in heaven when Heavenly Father presented a plan and a need for a Savior: Christ said, "Here am I, send me." He gave his life for us to be freed from sin and death.  His life was spent serving us doing The Father's will.

Christ is not alone as an example of giving oneself for others.

Nephi when called upon to get the brass plates: "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded." (1Ne 3:7)

Joseph when Israel asks him to go to his brothers: "Here am I." (Gen 37:13)

Samuel upon hearing the voice of the Lord calling him: "Here am I." (1Sam 3:4)

Isaac when Abraham took him to be sacrificed: "Here am I." (Gen 22:7)

Moses when God spoke to him out of the bush: "Here am I." (Ex 3:4)

The hymn I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go (Hymns 270) expresses this idea for our day: "I'll answer, dear Lord/with my hand in thine/I'll go where you want me to go."

Maybe my favorite example of this is Maria von Trapp: "The only important thing on earth for us is to find out the will of God and to do it." (The Story of the Trapp Family Singers, Pg 11)

When I think how I can best give today (and everyday) maybe my response shouldn't be "What can I give?" or "How can I give?" but simply, "Here am I, send me."

Today I am grateful: I have been changed

This is a follow-up to the previous post. 

Today I am grateful that through the Atonement of Christ I am able to be changed.  Usually, when we think of the Atonement we the of the mercy that Christ shows us when we sin. We think of the power for Him to "remember [our sins] no more" (Heb 8:12).  We think of forgiveness cleansing us from the effects of the choices we have made.  We may even consider His power over sickness and infirmities (Alma 7:11-12).

However, the grace offered through the enabling power is what I am most grateful for today.  The power not just to be washed clean, but to be made more perfect through the forgiveness process.  I am grateful that as I have cultivated a relationship with the Spirit I have been changed.

I see myself as coming to earth with circumstances and personality that are unique.  I came with unique needs and challenges to overcome.  In order to become like Heavenly Father I would have trials to put aside the ways in which I am not like Him.  Many of my challenges come because they are part of whom I was when I came to earth.  Some things are a struggle between my opinions/feelings/pride and my faith.

When I think there are things that are incongruous between what I understand or feel and what God has commanded I find that it is my pride, not my faith at work.  I forget that God's ways are not my ways (Isa 55:8).  This does not mean I do not question when I don't understand.  This does mean that when I question I try to do so humbly, opening myself up to the Spirit to be taught of Him.    In faith I remember that God has all the truth, and that He is willing to share it with me (James 1:5,  Moroni 10:5).

When I struggled with feeling like God was unjust towards women because He didn't allow them to hold the priesthood I had forgotten that He is GOD.  He embodies all truth.  All things are known to Him.  He sees all.  His ways are perfect.  I was 6 when I first felt like I was being treated unjustly by God because I was not given the exact same opportunities as my brother and other boys.  I felt that way for 17 years. Yes, all through Young Women, college, and while on my mission I felt that somehow I was missing out because men and women are different.

I am grateful today for great Young Women leaders who thoughtfully prepared lessons.  They taught me truths that stayed with me: powerful messages that were brought to my rememberance when I was ready to understand and accept them.  I am grateful for the good example and influence of righteous friends, roommates and mission companions.   These women (and some men) loved me for who I was, where I was.  Most were unaware of my struggles.

At 23, when my heart was ready, the Spirit spoke to me.  He promised me that if I let go of my inferiority complex He would teach me my place in God's plan.  He promised to heal me of feeling unhappy in my own skin, and to give me joy in who I am.  I had a choice: I chose Him.  This was not an easy choice. I had to lay aside 17 years of anger, indignation, and parts of myself I valued very much.  I am so glad I did because He kept His promise.  Through humility I received healing, and understanding.  I gave up someone I thought I wanted to be to become what God wanted me to become.

I felt for many years that I wanted to be a boy.  I felt like God had made a mistake. I had many natural-man feelings.  I realize that each of these experiences is an integral part of whom I started out as.  The person I used to be is very different from the person I am today.  I hope that the person I need to become by the end of my life is as different from the person I am today as I am from the me of 25 years ago.

Today, I understand that the difficulties and challenges that I faced were important in developing empathy and understanding towards those experiencing similar feelings. I also have a deeper understanding of the workings of God and the power of Christ's Atonement.  I can see how far I have come through the Atonement.  I can feel the healing that has taken place in my life.  I can see how I have been changed to become more like Him.  This is the real power of the Atonement: to make space in our lives for Him to come in and change us to become like Him.  Ultimately this is the goal of the Atonement-not just to forgive us and clean us but to improve (sanctify) us.  When we chose obedience to Him and sacrifice of our natural-man we become like God.

Today I am grateful for Christ. Today I am powerfully aware that I have been changed.  I am grateful for the atonement; for its ability to change me.

Today I am grateful: My life has been hard.

Today I am grateful that my life has been difficult.  This has nothing to do with the ongoing kitchen renovations at our house that feel like two steps forward followed by one or more steps backward.  Today I am grateful for my testimony of Jesus Christ and His atonement.  Today I am powerfully aware that my life was difficult early and often.  I am grateful that the Lord gave me these experiences when I was still young enough to be tethered to Him.  I know that I chose to remain close because I was so young and had the faith of a child.  I know that this closeness I found when I was young has helped me to remain faithful into adulthood and continue to choose the right.

As I see many of my friends or my friends' kids choose to leave the safety of the gospel, or "take a break" from commandment keeping I wonder how I got to be so lucky.  I still have my testimony and I still choose righteousness.  This is hard.  Staying righteous and choosing to keep the commandments is not the easy choice, but is ultimately the best choice.

How did I get here? Why do I stay? Why have I not struggled to stay as I see those around me struggling now? Why/how am I sure that this is the right place to be?

I think the answer to some of these questions is that many of the trials that people I know are experiencing  now I already struggled through, some of them many years ago.  I will freely admit that I did not enjoy all the challenges that I have had.  I did pray for many of them to be lessened and removed.  I did not fully appreciate the value they would bring to me later.  I am a product of these experiences.  The person that I am today is a direct result of these many difficulties.

I didn't love that my mom couldn't volunteer at the school because she was at work.  It (and many other things) made me feel different.  I thrive today because I am comfortable being different-and I actually dislike it when I "fit in."  

I am grateful that early on I had to confront my feelings that girls were "second rate" because girls' programs in the church didn't offer similar opportunities for girls and boys.  I had to deal with being judged by how I looked and felt (which wasn't always like a girl).  That I had a complex (as a child/teen/young adult) about women being less because they were not allowed to hold the priesthood.  That I wanted, for many reasons, to be a boy.  That I had loving leaders and teachers who took the time to prepare lessons, listen to the Spirit, serve me, and pray for me.  I am grateful.  

Today I am grateful I chose to stay anyway.  That as a child and a pre-teen I felt anchored in my testimony even if it was made of only 2 or 3 powerful experiences.

As I prepared to go on my mission many people I came in contact with reminded me that I would have to wear a dress every single day-a fact that I was well aware of--even if a not so small part of me wished I could wear a suit. I had gone to serve the Lord partly because I wanted it to be a commandment for me like it was for priesthood holders.  I also went because He needed me there. I was willing to serve Him on His terms whether or not I understood or agreed with them.  I chose obedience and brought my non-conformist heart along for the journey.

I felt like my mission companions had burning testimonies that towered over mine.  I felt they were on fire to share this knowledge, and I was not.  It is hard for me to see some of these same people set aside the covenants they have made.  I respect their agency in choosing to sin, and do not wish to condemn them.  I love them.  I ache for them and the trials they are facing. My testimony now has me desiring mercy, understanding and forgiveness for them.

Christ chose me.  He kept me close and gave me opportunities to choose Him early and often.  With child-like faith I chose Him through the extended illness and eventual death of my father.  I chose Him when I was lonely in a family unlike all the ones pictured in Primary.  I chose Him when depression enticed me to end it all.  I chose Him when my family members stopped choosing Him. I chose Him when I didn't understand my role as a girl/woman in the kingdom. I chose Him when He took my daughter back to live with Him. I choose Him when chronic depression overtakes me. 

I am grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost and the spiritual gifts that we have access to through it. I realize that the events of my life have often left me feeling very alone and vulnerable.  I sought the companionship of the Spirit as a balm for this.  As I cultivated this relationship with Him I developed capacities beyond my own.  I received blessings that I needed and the sure knowledge that I am known and never alone. Through the Spirit I have been taught my place in the kingdom and that as a woman I am not, nor have ever been "second class" to God.  I have developed some of my spiritual gifts with a desire to perfect and strengthen these and others.

 I am grateful that while I feel my testimony is not the intense blaze that draws people to it, it is a small very hot core that keeps warm for a long time.  It does not come with big fanfare, but keeps burning long after the other has extinguished itself. My testimony is not made of kindling and small dry sticks--experiences which help us to feel God's love, but with limited lasting effects.  Mine is not made of miraculous events alone-which give us intense burning fire that without continued nourishment will burn itself out quickly.  Mine is made of many large fat logs which don't burn quickly.  They take a long time to heat up.  They keep the core warm, and they consume slowly.  They feed the fire, but they do need some attention for maximum effectiveness.  Mine may never be a raging testimony inferno, but it will be a place that always has a hot core, plenty of difficult trials to keep it going. There are many trial logs I can look back on and see how they have grown my testimony.  Heat that I can draw on again and again as I look to burn through my new trial logs that will add to my testimony fire tomorrow.  

I am grateful for being allowed to experience difficult trials and challenges early in my life.   To be led and guided in those times to reach out and hold to the truth.  In these times I know what I am,  where I am, who I am and why I am here.  I do not need to wonder what I will choose when the next challenge arises-I have already chosen.  I choose Him. Today I am grateful that my life has been hard.

Things I didn't know I didn't know.

The stomach flu having come, and mostly gone is giving me a great chance to reflect on things I don't normally notice:

1. Cleaning jobs have a pecking order around here: Hazmat and biohazard, other wet cleanup, dishes, laundry, toys and general cleanup, vacuuming, kitchen cleaning, bathroom cleaning.
On biohazard: I didn't know that I could wake from a deep sleep at 11:30pm to clean an entire bathroom, bathe a vomiting Tiger, prep his bed for reentry, dress and readmit him to bed in less than an hour. Thanks also to Tiger, the downstairs bathroom also got a good cleaning.
On dishes: I don't like doing dishes. I don't. I tend to avoid it until necessary (I tend to unload, load, and run in one shot.) Yet I find myself willingly doing them before most other things which I enjoy doing significantly more. I have found that I dislike "shopping" for a clean dish in the dishwasher more than I dislike "shopping" for clean clothes in a laundry basket (folded or unfolded). I dislike dishes that have sat in the dishwasher more than a day. Laundry, on the other hand, waits patiently in the basket to be hidden away in its designated recesses. Staleness, here, is not a problem (though wrinkles tend to be). Though, the thing that makes me do dishes the most is not being able to use (and being forced to clean, or substitute another for) the one I want because it is waiting to be washed.
On Laundry: I don't mind (and sometimes enjoy) the rhythm brought to a day by the regular loading and unloading of mechanized textile cleaning apparatuses. I like the sound of my top-load washer doing all the hard scrubbing (and I know, 'cause I did it by hand at one point in my life). I don't love folding, nor do I even like it, but I choose it. Rather, I choose something I want to watch while I fold the mountain I made during my weekly laundry dance. I like having folded/sorted clothes to choose from even if they hide in their basket for a few days (or until the next laundry day-but I try to avoid that).
On toys and general cleanup: I try to pick up the toys once a day or less, and let my kids do it (with much provocation) to do it the rest of the time. I keep my house moving, without keeping it super clean. As long as ALL the toys aren't out, I can deal with a fleet of 20 or 30 cars lined up nicely. Likewise all the blocks are fine if it doesn't also include all the trains and all the balls.
On vacuuming: I like to vacuum. Mostly I like to use my vacuum. But I hate picking up all the toys and clutter just to have the kids go behind me while I am vacuuming and make a mess either before or after I have vacuumed. Sometimes I make a game of it pretending the vacuum is going to suck up all the toys left on the floor, but then I am focused on the game and not on adequately vacuuming. Finding things I missed after I put the vacuum away is almost as annoying as messes being made while I am cleaning up. I vacuum regularly, though not as often as I would like because it is not as rewarding when the kids aren't keeping things orderly for me.

On kitchens and baths: Cleaning my kitchen and my bath aren't on my list of things I ever want to do. I do get to them when the level of uncleanliness bothers me. That is the motivating factor, period. If you would like me to do something for you, just come clean my bathroom for me. The kitchen gets cleaned more frequently because of simple math: guests are more likely to see my kitchen sink than see the inside of my shower.

2. I have always suspected that if I had not been raised to shun addictive substances I would be dead or chronically addicted to everything bad for me. Normally, I have fewer than 4 cokes/caffeinated beverages a year. After this stomach bug I just wasn't recovering enough to be a functional parent for my kids, until I had some coke. It made it all better. All better except for the staying up all night-needing caffeine to compensate for the lack of sleep-needing more to make me feel normal-needing more to make me feel almost as good as the last can cycle. I can see I need to stay away from addictive substances, and why coffee drinkers aren't functioning well until they have had their java. Please be kind while I go through withdrawl.

3. Mac can be happy all day if fed and napped at appropriate times and placed in a room with lots of his toys and his brothers. Not having him constantly crying for attention when I was feeling dead was great.

4. Losing 5 pounds overnight is possible, while remaining somewhat hydrated. Though I wouldn't recommended it. And it's not pleasant at all. It also makes my skinny pants fall off. It will probably make me go down a dress size or two.

and finally:

5. The NRA sells Christmas cards. I bet you didn't know that.

A Christmas memory

This is a story that I think of every year at Christmas. I happened to witness it. I wish I could have an experience like this one every year. Names have been changed.

When I was in 5th grade my teacher had us all participate in a "white elephant" type gift exchange. We all drew names: girls chose girls, boys chose boys. With 30+ kids in the class there was a very low likelihood that two people would give gifts to each other, however in this case it did happen. Adam and Billy drew each other's names.

Adam and Billy were very different. Adam's father owned his own business and did very well. His mother stayed home with their children and volunteered in our classroom regularly. Adam had an extensive collection of Micro Machines and always had new, trendy clothes. Adam was out-going, a good student, well-liked and could pick his friends. Billy was none of those things.

Billy was near the end of a family of boys. His single mother worked long hours and was rarely home. His brothers were often in trouble. The house he lived in was very run-down. Billy's clothes were probably not new when his brothers wore them, and they were not always clean. He was an introvert and somewhat outcast, but Billy was always kind to everyone. He did his best in school, but he wasn't "smart" and he didn't get into trouble.

I'm sure Billy didn't bother asking his mother for money to buy Adam a gift. He just picked out the best toy he had that he thought Adam might like and wrapped it in newspaper. When he brought it to school and placed it on the gift table it was obvious to the rest of us what it was--an old tennis ball missing it's fuzz and color.

Adam came in and placed his gift with the rest. It was the biggest thing on the table--a big box wrapped in bright blue paper with a nice bow. I could see Billy gazing at it and wondering what wonderful thing it contained. He didn't know it was for him.

Our teacher began having us unwrap gifts in an orderly fashion. She had Billy give his gift to Adam, and before he could open it, Adam gave his gift to Billy. Billy's eyes lit up at the sheer size of the box placed in front of him. I'm sure he had never been given a box that big with a gift for him in it. He carefully opened the box and pulled out a brand-new Nerf football ready to be thrown. Billy could hardly believe this was actually for him: he was almost speechless. I am sure he felt his gift inferior, especially since he had just given it to someone who obviously didn't need it. Quietly, Adam slipped the newspaper off the tennis ball and thanked Billy for the gift. Billy thanked him for the football. I knew Adam didn't care about the tennis ball. He got a better gift from Billy--the true joy of giving.

I have thought about that day often over the last 20+ years and each time I am moved to tears. To me it embodies the true spirit of giving on behalf of both Billy and Adam.

The Serenity Prayer

I have never been involved in a 12 step program, but I find that more than 20 years after I first read the Serenity Prayer I have come to understand it in a way I never thought I would. I think it was written backwards.
First, a few definitions.

• Serenity-the state or quality of being serene, calm, undisturbed, at peace.
• Courage-motivation to action despite having a fear of doing so.
• Wisdom-understanding that comes from applying reason to knowledge.

With the changes going on in my life there has come much stress, fear, and some feeling of loss of control. For a few weeks, I was feeling somewhat helpless. I kept having to remind myself that there were only certain things about my situation that I could control, and the rest I just had to let go and trust that God is in control of those. During this time my friend (who is aware of what is going on) asked me how I was doing. I responded "What will be will be, and I can't change that." She remarked how calm I seemed given the circumstances. I realized that I had been granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. But this wasn't what I was given first. It came last.

I think the first thing I was granted was wisdom. Wisdom that there are things in our lives we can change, control, or even influence. Wisdom that, despite what we want, there are a few things we have no control over. Thanks to the gift of agency we can act and make choices for ourselves forever and about almost everything in our lives. The only things we cannot choose are God's choices for us and others' use of agency. That seems like a lot of things in our lives we can control.

I think the second thing I was granted was courage. Courage to change the things I can. In other words: the courage to be responsible. To accept responsibility for the great many things in my life I do control. I control (among other things) my attitude, what I eat, how much I exercise, my spirituality, my reaction to others' choices, etc. Courage, to me, is using agency effectively despite our fear of the outcome. I think a lack of courage leads to inaction rather than to bad choices. I wrote this post about how I used to let fear (a lack of courage) dominate my life. I am thankful I have been granted courage to change the things I can.

It was while I was busy trying to affect (read control) every possible thing in my life that I was eventually granted serenity. I got upset and stressed out worrying about how something was going to turn out. Not knowing the end from the beginning and not being able to control many things about it gave me great stress, frustration, and worry. It's like making some great recipe, but you don't have all the directions. You do your part, you mix what you can mix , add what ingredients you have, follow the part of the recipe you have, all the while knowing that you don't have everything and can't control everything. When it is time to serve it, you have to trust the other cook to have done their part: added their ingredients, cooked appropriately, etc. and left you something wonderful. Serenity is about learning to trust. Trust that God controls what you can't. That God will do His part if you use your courage and do yours. I was granted serenity last because I had to understand and then act and then trust.

Serenity is not about having my life be stress-free, or without hardship. Serenity is about understanding that there are certain things I am not responsible for, and then not trying to be responsible for them anyway.

Courage is about agency. Making choices to act and being responsible for those actions. Understanding that choosing inaction is making a choice and I am responsible for that choice.

Wisdom is about applying my ability to reason to the knowledge that I have and gaining understanding about agency, responsibility and trust.

God,

Grant me the Wisdom to understand what I can change, and what I can't;

The Courage to be responsible for what I can;

and the Serenity to trust You will be responsible for everything else.

Tough subjects

I've been wondering how to tell my kids about tough subjects.  You know, the ones that are really important, but hard for me to talk about.  I've been wondering how to tell my kids that they have an older sister.  How to tell  them that the grandpa they know is not my father.  I don't think that they are in a "need to know" place in their lives. But, then, where is that "need to know" place?  When will they be old enough to get it?  And when will meeting someone in photographs become meaningful?  When will I be ready to tackle those subjects with them?  Honestly, this scares me more than the birds and the bees!

1090 days

That's 365 +365 +366-6.  That means that today Tiger is 6 days from his 3rd birthday.  That means that I have survived.  Survived the same number of days with Tiger as I spent waiting for him.  Today Tiger is as old as his sister would have been the day he was born.

(For those of you who don't know, I had a daughter who was stillborn at 32 weeks gestation.)

Maybe that explains my mild depression since Christmas, my lack of posting to the blog, my disinterest in political matters, and my general sense of blah.  I am a little more pensive these days and a little less active.  I hope that writing this post will help to remove the melancholy I have been experiencing.

I think about the last 1090 days, and what a contrast they are from the previous 1090. 

•  I now spend my days cleaning up messes I didn't create instead of those of my own making.   
• I haven't moved in the last 1090, I spent the former at 6 addresses in 4 states in 3 time zones, and purchased 3 houses.
• Since Tiger was born I have taken one trip on an airplane.  In the 3 years prior I took 8 different trips to different places!
• I read more and I sew more than I did before. Don't ask me how I have the time.
• Now I blog.
• Saturdays are now spent around the house instead of looking for really fun excursions to do.
• We take train rides on vacation now, I don't know why we didn't before.
• Now I am rarely the first one out of bed, I am attending to the first one out of bed. 
• Instead of no children, I have 2 children.
• Instead of finding ways to amuse myself, I am finding ways of amusing my children and myself.
• The anger and rage I spent 1090 days acquiring has finally all gone away.
• The last 1090 went by quickly, though not everyday was fast.  The prior 1090 felt like time often stood still.
• I take very few things for granted, though I am much more of a realist now than I used to be.
• I understand much more about when life begins and what coming to earth is all about.
• I fear for the future now, and yet go boldly into it.
• I have a greater ability to be compassionate, understanding and empathetic.
• I understand that sometimes timing is everything.
• I know that trials in life aren't always about us, but the good we can do because of them.
• I am happier now, even if my house is less clean.

Today is a milestone in my life.  I would like to see where I am in the next 1090 and see what has changed.   Let's see that's Jan 26, 2012.

Who's Driving You?

First, lets think of family vacations you took as a child, all crammed in your parents car.  U want you to remember who had the power to make decisions and influence your vacation.  Who had the most influence?  Who had the least?  Now imagine your favorite spacious 5-seater.  It may be the 1979 Chrysler New-Yorker your friend once had, or that '69 Charger parked out behind the house.  Maybe it's your friend's Town & Country Station Wagon or a late model Continental, no matter, just pick one and picture it in your mind very clearly.  Now imagine that there are 5 people in the car, and that all 5 of them are you.  These are the 5 aspects of yourself that influence decisions that you make: Social, Emotional, Intellectual, Physical, and Spiritual.

Each of these 5 aspects occupies a position in your car.  Let's talk about the 5 positions in the car and the power to choose that each one has.  

• Driver.  This is the ultimate decision maker.  This person is in control of where you go or don't go.  From this position all turns, stops, reversals, and chinese fire drills are controlled.  
• Navigator.  This position exerts the most influence over the Driver, and Driver is probably inclined to take Navigator's opinion over any other.  This person can see everything the driver can see.  This person can read the map, street signs, check for clear lanes, etc.  They also have influence over those in the back.  
• Left Rear (behind Driver).  This position holds little influence, but does have a direct angle to Navigator, and the power to kick Driver's seat.   This position can also give  Driver key information about Driver's blind spot.
• Right Rear (behind Navigator).  Again, a position of limited influence, but with angles to the Driver, and within reach of Navigator.  This position can also give Driver key information about Navigator's blind spot. Both outer rear positions also have a good view of what you are passing, but limited amounts of information on what is upcoming.
• Center Rear.  The most cramped and uncomfortable position.  This one can see much of what Driver and Navigator see, and is within easy reach of both Driver and Navigator. 
  

Obviously, Driver has the most power and Navigator the next most.  I think Center rear has some power, but because it has the least exclusive information it has the least power.  The other 2 positions each have about the same.

The 5 aspects each have a different perspective based on what they can feel.  

• Physical feels hungry, tired, awake, pain, etc.
• Social feels peer pressure, rejection, envy, the need to impress, and nervous.
• Emotional feels sadness, worry, happy, joy, laughter, excitement, etc.
• Intellectual feels the influence of information (be it fact or fiction).  Intellectual is the part of you that reasons and is really void of "feeling."
• Spiritual feels the influence of the Holy Ghost.  All things that are learned through the Spirit are under Spiritual's jurisdiction. 

Emotional and Social are closely related and tend to sit near each other and hold similar positions of influence. Spiritual can have understanding and feelings that each of the others can, but it also has the ability to feel the Spirit.

I think that there are times when each aspect should be at the helm, or finds itself at the helm.  This isn't neccisarily bad, but just the way it is sometimes.   I do think that most of the time we can control where our aspects sit in the car and how they influence the choices we make.

Who is driving your car?  Where is everyone else sitting?  Do you want to change the seating arraingement?

Calculating

Sorry, I haven't felt like I have had much to blog about recently, but when I did finally think of something, I had to round up all the items to take photos.

This post deserves a little introduction. I am, as an adult, coming to truly appreciate who my father was. If you don't know, he died when I was thirteen. I find myself figuring things out, finding reasons why he did things, finding answers to questions that I can no longer ask. I enjoy the "Ah-HA" moments when they do come. It's like sharing a moment with him even though he isn't here with me.

I had one of these moments the other day. I don't remember what I was doing, but I suddenly realized why my dad gave me this:

for my fourth birthday. Incidentally, it still has the original batteries. I realized that he gave me a calculator so that I would stop stealing his:
and running the batteries down. I loved to punch the buttons and watch the numbers change. I couldn't get enough. Even now I love to just play. That may be the reason that I still have this:
and this:
and that B.A.R. kept this:
We both want an HP 48G, but they are really expensive. In my search to find a good photo of one, I learned that the newest model is a HP 50. Now I want that instead. I wish I had all different calculators that my dad had over the years, but I don't and it makes me sad. I know now that he was a calculating man (pun totally intended). Mostly he was calculating how to keep his batteries from being used up by someone who didn't even know how to multiply!

Midnight

The other night, before we went out of town, Blanket woke me up at midnight. This is not normal, but I dealt with the problem and went back to bed. As I was laying there hoping to find sleep again I heard the cars on the nearby road. I heard them click-clack as they sped over the seams in the concrete. I thought about how midnight has changed.

When I was a kid midnight was a milestone. If you were allowed to stay up that late, it was great. If you made it to midnight, that was an accomplishment.

When I was a young teenager, midnight was late, and meant that I had lots of homework.

After 16, midnight was when your date was supposed to end, or when you started to think about going home.

At 19 it became the time that I often got off work. It was dinner time.

I didn't see any of midnight on my mission. It was in the great "NO" zone.

After I got married, midnight became this place I rarely saw. I met it now and then with friends, or after a great movie. Midnight was no longer an accomplishment, now it was an unseen acquaintance.

Once the kids were born, midnight became a place I visited in a state of semi-conciousness. I only see it if cries awake me, or sleep escapes me.

Midnight is no longer when I get off work and start my evening. Midnight is not a signal to start winding down the fun. For me the fun happens all day, and midnight marks 6 hours until the fun begins again.

Am I old? mature? a fuddy-duddy? or just in a place where midnight should never be seen?

TV Networks

Caution: lots of opinions put forth here.

I am very upset at NBC's handling of the Olympic coverage.  Live ought to mean live.  Not live when we taped it. Not live to those who matter (on the east coast), but the rest of you don't deserve live and don't matter.  Last night I wanted to see the beach volleyball finals, but they were starting just as I was going to bed.  Because they aren't live here in MDT, I checked the website for the results and went to bed.  If they had been live, I would have seen them finish before I went to bed.  Then, this morning I decided to try and watch the match on the internet.  NBC's olympic web videos are only available to be viewed on PC's and Intel-based Macs.  My Mac is 3 years old and is the last generation of PowerBook before the Intel chip was used.  My Mac has never before had this problem.  My Mac interacts great with everything on the internet, except with Microsoft's monopoly of NBC's monopolistic control and dispensing of these Olympic games.  It feels like NBC is taking all their information control cues directly from Beijing (double-speak intended).   I didn't get to watch it on the internet.

And while I'm piling on the "Obama is the anointed one" network I am going to rant about American TV programming in general.  I could do without most of the trash available that degrades humans and is without morals, but that is for another post and time.  No, I am going to rant about how Canadians get the big 4 networks (ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox) but we don't get any of the CBC networks in most of the country.  When I lived in Michigan we got CBC 1 and TVO (Ontario Public Television).  I want to watch Hockey Night in Canada, The Red Green Show, and CBC's Olympic coverage.  When I watched the 2002 games I liked CBC's coverage much more than NBC's controlled release of information.  I want to have more selection than what the big 4 are giving us, because most of that is prime time trash.  In a truly capitalist society we would be free to watch Canadian TV, as they are free to watch ours.

While we are on the subject of TV channels, why must I buy a package of pre-selected channels?  Why can't I buy my TV stations a la carte?  I would pay only for the stations  I watch: like ESPN and Discovery, and not for stations I won't ever watch: like FitTV or Telemundo.  I think that if you go this route, you could choose premium channels individually too (they would cost more each) and once you reached a certain threshold of channels say 25 or 50 you could get 5 or 10 more channels (of your choice) for free.  And if you think that this isn't possible, then your wrong.  Just because no commercial entity is offering such a program, doesn't mean the technology isn't there to do it.   I know I'm not the only one interested in this programming structure.

In the spirit of full-disclosure: This is the first time we have paid for television in our married life, and we are getting more channels than we are paying for (I think).  We only got the cable though so that we could get internet and Packet8 (VOIP).  And no, I don't have a DVR!

Supreme Court Decision-Opinion

It is the Supreme Court's decision to uphold the lower court's decision that the gun ban in Washington D.C. is unconstitutional.  No surprise.  What really gets me is that it was a 5-4 decision. 

Washington D.C. law would not allow the sale, purchase, or possession of a handgun by law-abiding citizens within its city limits.  Also, all long guns (rifles, shotguns) had to be rendered inoperable.

So, under the statute only criminals would be carrying guns as they have no desire to be law-abiding citizens.  Great.  Armed criminals.  No armed citizens.  That's a place I want to be. 

Anybody else ever wonder why the murder rate was so high in D.C.?  Well, now  you know.  

Also, if you owned a gun and were traveling with it in your car through D.C. and a cop pulled you over he could arrest you for illegal possession of a handgun, or rifle (if not disassembled or fitted with a trigger lock) even if you were only driving through on the freeway and had no plans to stop, or take your firearm out of the car.    Anybody else feel your right to bear arms infringed yet?

Amendment Two

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

That's right INFRINGED, not removed, not abolished, not made a mockery of, INFRINGED.   

When the Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution and Amendments they knew that a government that takes away people's weapons takes away their power to overthrow corrupt government.  Ever wonder why the Cubans never ousted Fidel?  He has an army, and the army has guns; the Cubans don't have guns.  

I'm all for making weapons harder for felons to get, and for reasonable regulation of machine guns.  (I pay a small tax and I get to own one).   But I am discouraged that 4 Supreme Court justices thought that the D.C. law was constitutional under the second amendment.   I thought it was a no-brainer.  Maybe it is and those 4 justices who voted down party lines gave their brains away when they joined the Socialist (Democratic) party.   

At least this decision has opened the door to challenging other gun bans like Chicago's and San Francisco's.  Those (and others) were filed soon after this decision was released.  Hopefully, law-abiding citizens will soon have their rights returned to them.

On another note, I am reading The Real America by Glenn Beck (see my Shelfari widget) and loving it.  I don't disagree with him on any point in the book.  I think my favorite part in the book so far is the list of communist agenda for 1963.   The Dems (and most of the Republicans) in Washington have done a great job of making this into a communist state.  Don't believe me?  Read the book!  No, I am not getting paid for plugging the book, but I would be willing to take money or other compensation for doing so.

Train Wreck

So I should be going to bed, but I can't.  I have been needing to write this post since I lived in Michigan.  Which was a long time ago, if you didn't know.  

Somebody asked me why I got pregnant the first time if I knew (in the back of my mind I knew) that there was something wrong.  I was bothered by this person's insensitivity, but I didn't have anything to say then.  I have something to say now.

The answer is. . . You don't get on a wrecking train.  You get on the train and then it wrecks. You couldn't have known in advance it was going to wreck, and you couldn't have stopped the carnage.  It just is.  It's a train wreck.  And it's just as horrible.

The strange part is after the wreck the emotion you feel most acutely isn't sorrow or loss, it is loneliness.  You feel horribly, horribly alone.  I didn't have a way to tell someone how it feels.  It is this emotion that you can't quite put your finger on.  You know you have felt this way before, but it hurts so bad you forgot the circumstances, and failed to remember the name for this emotion.  Then I read it in a book: it feels like you got kicked out of the club.  It does.  That's EXACTLY how it feels.

I imagine it like this: getting married is like going to college.  Now that you're at college  you want to join a sorority.  You want to join that sorority with all the cute little mommies and all the cute little kids.  You want to join that madhouse, so willingly  (or not, in some cases) you pledge to get into the sorority.  You do all the required stuff: all the doctor's visits, all the books, the healthy eating, the vitamins, the puking at 3 am, the pain.  You do it all, because you know that at the end of it all you will be in!  You will have survived.  There you are: poised to enter your sorority and the leader comes out and tells you (in front of the whole sorority, all the pledges, and EVERYONE ELSE IN THE TRI-STATE AREA) that you are no longer even a pledge for this sorority.  Good-Bye!

You feel empty and abandoned and unwanted.   You slowly step backwards away from this place you were so sure you wanted to be a part of.  You know you just got kicked out.  You think you might someday want to come back here, but you don't know if you will ever be able.  You stagger backwards and without realizing it find yourself across the street on the doorstep of another sorority.  Their door is open.  Their door is always open.  

When you turn around you realize that someone you know is standing in the doorway.  For everyone that someone is different, and I have stood there more than once to welcome someone to the group.  

Once you come inside you find that you know many people there.  The longer you stay, the more people you meet, that you already know.  Everyone is waiting with open arms to welcome you.  See, we all got here the same way: rejected by the other sorority.  We all know about loss, we all know what it feels like to have your life changed in an instant.  We all know about what ifs and coulds and woulds and shoulds.  We all came unwillingly, and almost unwittingly.  And though most of us have successfully pledged at the sorority across the street, it is our sisterhood here that we cherish more.  This doesn't mean that the sorority of moms across the way is less, but just maybe they are missing out on the best sisterhood of all, the one that binds mothers who've lost children together no matter who they are.

So, go ahead, get on that train.  Just know that if it wrecks, I will be at the door to greet you with open arms.

SMUT

I was driving back from the zoo a couple of weeks ago and had to stop at the light by Shotgun Willie's.  For those of you unfamiliar with this establishment, the sign reads, "SHOW CLUB" and the building has no windows.  I was looking at the building and contemplating why it had a covered "loading zone" area.  I happened to notice on the concrete foundation for the aerial sign someone had scrawled, "SMUT" in runny black Krylon.

There's nothing like calling a spade a spade.  When I drove by today I saw someone else had painted over the graffiti.   

If all the distractions in life were so clearly marked, maybe we could stay away more easily.  I know that as we try to leave indications for those who come after of the dangers that lurk, Satan is there obscuring our best and most feeble attempts to warn others.

I appreciate this (not so) free (anymore) country I live in.  I  know that to be free we must have the right to choose SMUT.  I also have the right to warn others (maybe just not in Krylon).  

Anybody got a SHARPIE?

For a satirical look at SMUT (and free speech in general) check out Tom Lehrer's song Smut, but not at iTunes because it's not there.

The worst possible thing

This post is actually about good things. I am ashamed to say that often in my life I avoided doing things and taking risks or taking initiative of any kind out of fear. Usually I didn't even understand what I was afraid of. I just avoided the situation to avoid the fear (of whatever). A few years after we were married I found that DH was the same way sometimes.

I think it started to change when we discovered we were usually afraid to ask for something (like negotiate a price) out of fear of rejection; and we asked ourselves, "what is the worst thing that could happen?. . . They could say no." and as long as we were comfortable with that then we were willing to take the risk.

I am now much more connected with my impulse to avoid or run due to fear. We usually ask ourselves, "what's the worst thing that could happen?" and then we make a decision based on the consequences we can live with.

For example, this last weekend we started working on a sandbox for Tiger (See the post about Dirt). We have been talking about it for a couple of years and decided to do it on Saturday at 4:00 when it was 90 degrees. We bought 5 bags of sand and decided we needed more, a lot more. "Should we buy 25 more, 10 more, or what?" "If we buy them only 5 at a time the worst thing that could happen is that we end up with 4 more than we need." That seemed like the right number.

We make most of our decisions this way. It doesn't always mean that when the worst imaginable consequence is really bad we don't do it, it does mean though that we are prepared for disaster before it arrives. I wish we had this system in place the first time I got pregnant, but the outcome of that is part of what drove us to adopt this system.

We enjoy life with a positive perspective. We make ourselves aware of the minefields around us. When we muster the courage, we go forth prepared for (almost) anything. After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?

What if?

I probably spend way too much time watching Word World on PBS with Tiger.  Every time it comes on I start thinking, "What if our world was really like that?"  I begin wondering about whether some letters would be worth more than other letters.  I wonder then if a jump drive would be more expensive than a house because it has more letters?  Would all the letters required to make all the things for the house make the house so much more expensive? Would you have to buy letters in copper to make things of copper?  Would we have to mine or harvest letters?  Could we grow letters?  Would they be as valuable as mined letters?  Would we use letters like money?

And then I remember it is just a kids' show! and I should be thinking about things that really matter, like dinner.

Full Hands. Full Heart.

Since I have started going to the zoo and museum strangers ask me all the time how old my kids are.  Then they inevitably tell me that I have my "hands full."  Yesterday, I thought to comment, "I know, but I chose this."  And while I  was laying in bed last night (see "fire drill")  I thought that my hands may be full, but I don't see it that way.  My hands were so "empty" for so long that having them "full" is what I want. I am so grateful for the "full"ness of my hands that I don't feel the burden that others make it out to be.  So I have my hands full, but my heart is full and that makes it all worth it.