Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Here am I, send me

As I contemplate the Christmas season this year, I feel like I'm giving but not from my heart.  I'm not giving from the heart; and I'm not giving of myself.  I'm not celebrating Christ by following His example--giving.  But how can I best give?

From the beginning Christ showed us the way to give:

During the Council in heaven when Heavenly Father presented a plan and a need for a Savior: Christ said, "Here am I, send me." He gave his life for us to be freed from sin and death.  His life was spent serving us doing The Father's will.

Christ is not alone as an example of giving oneself for others.

Nephi when called upon to get the brass plates: "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded." (1Ne 3:7)

Joseph when Israel asks him to go to his brothers: "Here am I." (Gen 37:13)

Samuel upon hearing the voice of the Lord calling him: "Here am I." (1Sam 3:4)

Isaac when Abraham took him to be sacrificed: "Here am I." (Gen 22:7)

Moses when God spoke to him out of the bush: "Here am I." (Ex 3:4)

The hymn I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go (Hymns 270) expresses this idea for our day: "I'll answer, dear Lord/with my hand in thine/I'll go where you want me to go."

Maybe my favorite example of this is Maria von Trapp: "The only important thing on earth for us is to find out the will of God and to do it." (The Story of the Trapp Family Singers, Pg 11)

When I think how I can best give today (and everyday) maybe my response shouldn't be "What can I give?" or "How can I give?" but simply, "Here am I, send me."

Monday, August 24, 2015

Today I am grateful: I have been changed

This is a follow-up to the previous post. 

Today I am grateful that through the Atonement of Christ I am able to be changed.  Usually, when we think of the Atonement we the of the mercy that Christ shows us when we sin. We think of the power for Him to "remember [our sins] no more" (Heb 8:12).  We think of forgiveness cleansing us from the effects of the choices we have made.  We may even consider His power over sickness and infirmities (Alma 7:11-12).

However, the grace offered through the enabling power is what I am most grateful for today.  The power not just to be washed clean, but to be made more perfect through the forgiveness process.  I am grateful that as I have cultivated a relationship with the Spirit I have been changed.

I see myself as coming to earth with circumstances and personality that are unique.  I came with unique needs and challenges to overcome.  In order to become like Heavenly Father I would have trials to put aside the ways in which I am not like Him.  Many of my challenges come because they are part of whom I was when I came to earth.  Some things are a struggle between my opinions/feelings/pride and my faith.

When I think there are things that are incongruous between what I understand or feel and what God has commanded I find that it is my pride, not my faith at work.  I forget that God's ways are not my ways (Isa 55:8).  This does not mean I do not question when I don't understand.  This does mean that when I question I try to do so humbly, opening myself up to the Spirit to be taught of Him.    In faith I remember that God has all the truth, and that He is willing to share it with me (James 1:5,  Moroni 10:5).

When I struggled with feeling like God was unjust towards women because He didn't allow them to hold the priesthood I had forgotten that He is GOD.  He embodies all truth.  All things are known to Him.  He sees all.  His ways are perfect.  I was 6 when I first felt like I was being treated unjustly by God because I was not given the exact same opportunities as my brother and other boys.  I felt that way for 17 years. Yes, all through Young Women, college, and while on my mission I felt that somehow I was missing out because men and women are different.

I am grateful today for great Young Women leaders who thoughtfully prepared lessons.  They taught me truths that stayed with me: powerful messages that were brought to my rememberance when I was ready to understand and accept them.  I am grateful for the good example and influence of righteous friends, roommates and mission companions.   These women (and some men) loved me for who I was, where I was.  Most were unaware of my struggles.

At 23, when my heart was ready, the Spirit spoke to me.  He promised me that if I let go of my inferiority complex He would teach me my place in God's plan.  He promised to heal me of feeling unhappy in my own skin, and to give me joy in who I am.  I had a choice: I chose Him.  This was not an easy choice. I had to lay aside 17 years of anger, indignation, and parts of myself I valued very much.  I am so glad I did because He kept His promise.  Through humility I received healing, and understanding.  I gave up someone I thought I wanted to be to become what God wanted me to become.

I felt for many years that I wanted to be a boy.  I felt like God had made a mistake. I had many natural-man feelings.  I realize that each of these experiences is an integral part of whom I started out as.  The person I used to be is very different from the person I am today.  I hope that the person I need to become by the end of my life is as different from the person I am today as I am from the me of 25 years ago.

Today, I understand that the difficulties and challenges that I faced were important in developing empathy and understanding towards those experiencing similar feelings. I also have a deeper understanding of the workings of God and the power of Christ's Atonement.  I can see how far I have come through the Atonement.  I can feel the healing that has taken place in my life.  I can see how I have been changed to become more like Him.  This is the real power of the Atonement: to make space in our lives for Him to come in and change us to become like Him.  Ultimately this is the goal of the Atonement-not just to forgive us and clean us but to improve (sanctify) us.  When we chose obedience to Him and sacrifice of our natural-man we become like God.

Today I am grateful for Christ. Today I am powerfully aware that I have been changed.  I am grateful for the atonement; for its ability to change me.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Today I am grateful: My life has been hard.

Today I am grateful that my life has been difficult.  This has nothing to do with the ongoing kitchen renovations at our house that feel like two steps forward followed by one or more steps backward.  Today I am grateful for my testimony of Jesus Christ and His atonement.  Today I am powerfully aware that my life was difficult early and often.  I am grateful that the Lord gave me these experiences when I was still young enough to be tethered to Him.  I know that I chose to remain close because I was so young and had the faith of a child.  I know that this closeness I found when I was young has helped me to remain faithful into adulthood and continue to choose the right.

As I see many of my friends or my friends' kids choose to leave the safety of the gospel, or "take a break" from commandment keeping I wonder how I got to be so lucky.  I still have my testimony and I still choose righteousness.  This is hard.  Staying righteous and choosing to keep the commandments is not the easy choice, but is ultimately the best choice.

How did I get here? Why do I stay? Why have I not struggled to stay as I see those around me struggling now? Why/how am I sure that this is the right place to be?

I think the answer to some of these questions is that many of the trials that people I know are experiencing  now I already struggled through, some of them many years ago.  I will freely admit that I did not enjoy all the challenges that I have had.  I did pray for many of them to be lessened and removed.  I did not fully appreciate the value they would bring to me later.  I am a product of these experiences.  The person that I am today is a direct result of these many difficulties.

I didn't love that my mom couldn't volunteer at the school because she was at work.  It (and many other things) made me feel different.  I thrive today because I am comfortable being different-and I actually dislike it when I "fit in."  

I am grateful that early on I had to confront my feelings that girls were "second rate" because girls' programs in the church didn't offer similar opportunities for girls and boys.  I had to deal with being judged by how I looked and felt (which wasn't always like a girl).  That I had a complex (as a child/teen/young adult) about women being less because they were not allowed to hold the priesthood.  That I wanted, for many reasons, to be a boy.  That I had loving leaders and teachers who took the time to prepare lessons, listen to the Spirit, serve me, and pray for me.  I am grateful.  

Today I am grateful I chose to stay anyway.  That as a child and a pre-teen I felt anchored in my testimony even if it was made of only 2 or 3 powerful experiences.

As I prepared to go on my mission many people I came in contact with reminded me that I would have to wear a dress every single day-a fact that I was well aware of--even if a not so small part of me wished I could wear a suit. I had gone to serve the Lord partly because I wanted it to be a commandment for me like it was for priesthood holders.  I also went because He needed me there. I was willing to serve Him on His terms whether or not I understood or agreed with them.  I chose obedience and brought my non-conformist heart along for the journey.

I felt like my mission companions had burning testimonies that towered over mine.  I felt they were on fire to share this knowledge, and I was not.  It is hard for me to see some of these same people set aside the covenants they have made.  I respect their agency in choosing to sin, and do not wish to condemn them.  I love them.  I ache for them and the trials they are facing. My testimony now has me desiring mercy, understanding and forgiveness for them.

Christ chose me.  He kept me close and gave me opportunities to choose Him early and often.  With child-like faith I chose Him through the extended illness and eventual death of my father.  I chose Him when I was lonely in a family unlike all the ones pictured in Primary.  I chose Him when depression enticed me to end it all.  I chose Him when my family members stopped choosing Him. I chose Him when I didn't understand my role as a girl/woman in the kingdom. I chose Him when He took my daughter back to live with Him. I choose Him when chronic depression overtakes me. 

I am grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost and the spiritual gifts that we have access to through it. I realize that the events of my life have often left me feeling very alone and vulnerable.  I sought the companionship of the Spirit as a balm for this.  As I cultivated this relationship with Him I developed capacities beyond my own.  I received blessings that I needed and the sure knowledge that I am known and never alone. Through the Spirit I have been taught my place in the kingdom and that as a woman I am not, nor have ever been "second class" to God.  I have developed some of my spiritual gifts with a desire to perfect and strengthen these and others.

 I am grateful that while I feel my testimony is not the intense blaze that draws people to it, it is a small very hot core that keeps warm for a long time.  It does not come with big fanfare, but keeps burning long after the other has extinguished itself. My testimony is not made of kindling and small dry sticks--experiences which help us to feel God's love, but with limited lasting effects.  Mine is not made of miraculous events alone-which give us intense burning fire that without continued nourishment will burn itself out quickly.  Mine is made of many large fat logs which don't burn quickly.  They take a long time to heat up.  They keep the core warm, and they consume slowly.  They feed the fire, but they do need some attention for maximum effectiveness.  Mine may never be a raging testimony inferno, but it will be a place that always has a hot core, plenty of difficult trials to keep it going. There are many trial logs I can look back on and see how they have grown my testimony.  Heat that I can draw on again and again as I look to burn through my new trial logs that will add to my testimony fire tomorrow.  

I am grateful for being allowed to experience difficult trials and challenges early in my life.   To be led and guided in those times to reach out and hold to the truth.  In these times I know what I am,  where I am, who I am and why I am here.  I do not need to wonder what I will choose when the next challenge arises-I have already chosen.  I choose Him. Today I am grateful that my life has been hard.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

On Faith and Santa Claus

My kids believe in Santa. I spent 5 Christmases getting Tiger to understand the concept of Santa. Luckily, Blanket seems to have caught on this last Christmas too.

Back in December there were a few posts on other blogs I follow (and blogs they follow, etc.) about teaching kids to believe in Santa. I thought a long time (its March) about why I teach [indoctrinate, deceive] my children to think that toys magically come from a fat man in a red suit. The answer is simple: Faith.

Children have the greatest faith. They believe in things that are good. They want to believe in the good. They still have faith that the world and the people in it are good. For children faith in Santa is simple: Santa is a good man who will bring gifts to me if I am good. Basic cause and effect.

The faith that we really want our kids to have is a lot more complicated than that. (Not that kids aren't capable of that kind of faith, it is just not as simple.) I see the faith in Santa as the simplest form of faith in Christ. Kids understand and want the reward that Santa is offering. That is not to diminish in any way the reward that Christ is offering, but eternal life with your family isn't as appealing (or as immediate) to a 5 year-old as the latest Thomas the Tank Engine.

Our faith in Christ isn't instantly rewarded the way our faith in Santa is. (Though my kids may argue waiting for Christmas takes an eternity.) Faith in Christ is rewarded more fully, more frequently, and for longer than faith in Santa.

Faith in Santa (for me) helps me get my kids to exercise their faith muscles.
  • They believe in something they do not see.
  • They make choices that affect the reward they receive.
  • They exercise patience in gaining this reward.
  • They are granted grace (kids aren't perfect)
  • After much waiting, but at a pre-arrainged time, they are rewarded with something they really want.
And once they grasp the whole Santa concept, then having faith in something bigger and more complex becomes easier. Practicing our faith on Santa helps my kids truly have better faith in Christ.

Friday, March 4, 2011

The 5 of the Tiger

Five years ago
you came to us
strong and mighty son.
We waited long
we wanted much
for you to join the fun.
A joy you are
and brother true
to those beneath your wings.
Fun, funny
leader, friend, example
and a thousand other things.
May you always be the best you know how to be.
Happy Birthday

Naughty in the potty

This is Mac's favorite place to play.
We have instituted a close the potty and close the door rule.
Tiger and Blanket are very good about following the rules.
B.A.R. is good about following the rules
Stitches needs improvement with following the rules, but she is the one who suffers the consequences of leaving the potty available to Mac.
splish, splash
if you're not going to stop me, then I'll go back to playing.

Monday, February 28, 2011

My latest creation

I have been making a concerted effort to finish this quilt I started before Mac was born. I would work on it, and then it would get moved off the sewing table in favor of projects with a deadline. I decided to make it happen at the beginning of the year. I have worked on it, but I have also read 9.5 books since Mac's birthday too. I am so glad it is finished.

I used a pattern called All Aboard from The Teacher's Pet. This quilt is for Blanket, and so much of the personalization is geared to him. I left the elephants out of the gondola 'cause elephants would never ride in a gondola.

Close-ups of the quilting
The big reveal
It's hanging up right now if you want to come inspect it.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

This post needs a picture, and maybe it will get one later.

I noticed something today. Mac is lighter when he sleeps.

When he is awake he loves to be held. But it is almost impossible for me to hang on to him. He wiggles and squirms. He is looking at the floor, at the ceiling, at almost everything that is around him. He moves and bends and twists and dips and arches and curls and pushes and pulls and grabs and scratches and pokes and reaches. He is my baby who needs to be held, carried, and cuddled the most. He is also the one who is the most likely to make you want to put him down. 20 pounds of long, skinny, wiggly boy is quite a workout to hold onto.

Twice today (well 3 times if you count the middle of the night) he has fallen into a deep sleep and I have carried him. Both times I thought "he seems so light." It must be that 20 pounds isn't all that much if it isn't constantly being added onto by all sorts of directional movement.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Mac's 1!!!

He doesn't have any teeth. He doesn't feed himself anything besides graham crackers. He did a great job destroying the cake, but didn't really like it when I put some in his mouth.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Blanket's birthday

Blanket's birthday falls the same week as Thanksgiving. I was cooking for Thanksgiving and didn't want to have to make a cake too, so this year we kept it simple and bought a cake. He insisted on blowing out the candles more than once.