So, I went to see Mac at the hospital today. I try to go to one feeding a day, take the chance to see if he will learn to feed today. I get him all ready for his feeding by taking his temperature and changing his diaper and waking him up. I want him to have the best chance to learn while I am there for one feeding.
I am always on a time constraint because someone else is watching my kids. Today I had to leave right when his feeding was over so that I could pick up my kids and come home and pump (a little late). That's how it goes. Hospitals consist of routine and more routine. I know the routine, I can operate in sync with it. Things are the same everyday (the nurses change the activities don't). Until today.
Today I had a "GET BENT" moment wherein I accused the hospital staff of letting my baby starve to death. He is gaining weight, so I know that this is unlikely the case. But in that instant I truly felt that way. I felt totally at a loss.
My baby does not wake up to be fed. My baby does not cry when he is hungry. My baby does not feed himself (from a bottle). And so I sat there waiting for my baby to be fed (through a tube). Waiting, and waiting, and waiting. At about 30 minutes past feeding time I start to get really nervous. Nobody has made any motions toward feeding my baby. There is no indication that they intend to feed him. And then I snap. I suddenly feel like my baby is totally neglected. (If you have kids you know that this can happen really fast). I suddenly feel that if I don't say anything he will not get fed. I put Mac down, and then politely (ok, not politely nor quietly) accuse them of letting my baby go hungry.
Then they ask me why I'm not holding my baby. I respond, "I'm Angry." Excuse me, for stating the obvious.
Suddenly his feeding is top priority. Suddenly all the things I did to get him ready to feed are important. Suddenly all the things that were more important than Mac, weren't.
What scares me most about this is: what if I hadn't been there to say something? What assurance do I have that he is not missing feedings? He doesn't cry. He has no feeding alarm. Really, what proof do I have he will get fed? I went 2.5 weeks not worrying about it, now all my trust in them is gone!
That's what is really bothering me. That I can't trust them to feed my baby. I know this is somewhat irrational. But I was holding my baby feeling like he was getting neglected and I was powerless to stop it as soon as I left. Which I had to do imminently.
Then the Dr. calls and fills me full of some B.S. for 20 minutes about how they would never let that happen, and he was going to get fed in the next 5 minutes anyway, blah, blah, blah. I was there, she was not. I watched it go down. And all my mommy emotions saw things the way mommies are supposed to see them. I had a need to tell someone to GET BENT, though I didn't. I scream at the Dr. on the phone. I basically told her she was blowing smoke. I am sure she called to make herself feel better, because she didn't make me feel any better. I want results, not promises. Action, not excuses.
The Dr. feeds me some promise about communicating better with each other and with me, and that some other supervisor is supposed to call me and make me feel better. You can call, but I promise not to feel better.
I know the nurses are human. I know that they (and I) are fallible. I know that things are not perfect and situations arise that make it impossible for things to happen at exactly the same time every day. I am there everyday. I am sure I could have handled things better. I know how things work. That's why I waited and waited today to give them ample time to get his feeding started. I didn't even get mad until I suddenly realized he was powerless to get fed, and he was unable to do anything about it if I wasn't there.
Another side effect-Tiger and Blanket don't get my best for the rest of the day. I will be moody, demanding, short, impatient, pissed off, and generally not a good parent for the rest of the day, or for the next couple. To boot, Tiger got defiant and got sent to his room, waking Blanket up early from his nap. So just add two whiny kids on top of Mama Bear trying to protect her cub, and we are having a great day.
In case you really feel the need to comment, please remember I will be better about this in a couple of days. I will still feel like I did the right thing. I will still have lost a little faith in the system (that nurse in particular). I still won't want to talk about it. I will still be a little angry, but not enough to interfere with my daily activities. I will still go see my baby in the hospital. I will probably forgive them, but not forget.
Maybe I should take the Zoloft they gave me, then I will be nicer about it next time.
Thanks for listening. Go have a nice day.